How to Set Boundaries: 3 Tips To Set Clear Limits

From our 2021 resident scholar Tia Slightham of Tia Slightham Parenting Solutions

One of the hardest things I hear from parents I consult with is that they aren’t enjoying parenting. They’ve reached a place where nothing they do works; they are tired of the battle, and they feel hopeless. The reason parents aren’t enjoying their kids or parenting is often because they lack clear limits. It’s hard to know how to set boundaries, and this is where parents struggle. Setting boundaries is not intuitive; loving your kids is. Learning how to set limits and boundaries is a learned skill. Once you learn how to set boundaries and clear limits without using punishment tactics, you will have easier days with your kids! All battle-free!

As parents, you want your kids to be happy. I totally understand this, being a mom of two boys. No one likes to see their kids upset. But there is a fine line between trying to make or keep your kids happy and having set limits and boundaries. Setting clear limits can be much easier with the right information. If you can learn the skills to set fair, firm and consistent boundaries, you will be able to develop the mutual respect relationship with your kids you’ve always desired.

Your child goes from zero to sixty

Do you feel like you walk on eggshells trying to avoid those epic tantrums?  It feels like the smallest thing will set your child off, leaving you unsure how to manage the situation and make it stop. You’re at your wit's end and don’t think you can take another outburst? Keep reading... 

Does this all sound familiar, but you just don’t know how to set boundaries? 

One thing you must consider before expecting your child to follow your new boundaries is SLEEP. When your child lacks quality and quantity of sleep, they are destined to misbehave. Make sure you parent proactively by ensuring your child gets adequate sleep and avoid the need to parent reactively.

Does your child battle you on sleep? Create an easy bedtime in two weeks or less with a gentle and supportive plan and avoid 90% of unwanted behaviours—CLICK HERE. Find out how you can create battle-free bedtimes with a simple action plan. 

Having set limits and boundaries puts your child at ease

As much as parents struggle with setting boundaries because they just want their kids to be happy, boundaries actually give your child a sense of security. When your child knows your limits, they also know how to please you and meet your expectations. This is a huge part of your child’s behaviour needs roadmap. In order to avoid unwanted behaviours, you need to check off your child’s behaviour needs roadmap daily. By setting clear and firm limits, you help your child to feel a real sense of accomplishment.

Here are things you need to know about boundaries: 

• Your kids are begging for you to set them (hint: this is why you see negative behaviour)
• Boundaries need to be concrete, clear and consistent (3C’s boundaries)
• They give your child a sense of ease
• Decrease anxiety 
• Clearly show kids how to please you
• Helps your child easily meet your expectations
• Helps avoid unwanted behaviour

3 tips for setting clear limits

I know how hard setting clear limits can be, but once you start shifting your approach, it just takes a little practice and time to become a seasoned boundary-setter! Follow these three tips to help set clear limits easily and stop your struggle with boundaries.

1. Set your limits in advance
2. Teach your child upfront
3. Follow through

Real-life boundaries

I want all of your boundaries to be concrete, clear and consistent (3 C’s boundaries). This means you are black and white with each limit. If you are not 3 C with your boundaries, then you enter what I call the grey zone, which is where your child is unaware of how to please you or meet your expectations. Here is where you see more tantrums, whining and pushback.

Grey zone boundaries = power struggles

Black and white boundaries = easy parenting 

Example 1: mealtime

Your child continues to get down from the table. You’re tired of repeatedly asking them to sit down; every meal ends in a power struggle. Your child continues to get down and engage in this struggle because it’s working for them. Every time they get down, you pick up your end of the rope and struggle with them. Asking them over and over to sit down is giving them negative attention and power.

Instead, follow the three tips to set limits and set up your 3 C’s boundary in advance, teach up front (practice, role model and talk about the new plans) and follow through.

“Okay, from now on, we are going to have a new mealtime rule. When it’s time to eat, your bum must stay in your chair while eating. If you get down, you tell me you’re not hungry, and I will take your food and throw it away. You can eat again at the next set meal or snack time. Can you please tell me what our new plan is?” 

Once your child repeats it back, then you know that they know the plan. At this point, it is your job to follow through so that your child can build trust in you and the new set limits.

NOTE: Don’t forget the very important step of practising and role modelling in advance to be sure your child understands your expectations!

Example 2:  screen time

Your child won’t turn off their device. It feels like they’re obsessed, and it’s all they want to do. It’s making you crazy and filling you with guilt. Each time you ask them to turn off their screens, it's a huge yelling match.

Instead, set up your clear boundaries in advance, teach up front (practice, role model and talk about the new plans) and follow through.

“Okay, from now on, we are going to have a new boundary around screen time. When it’s your designated screen time, we will set a timer. When the timer goes off, then you must turn off your device. If you don’t turn off the device when the timer goes off, then you’re telling me that you don’t want to use your device tomorrow. Can you please tell me what our new plan is?”

Once your child repeats back, then you know that they know the plan. At this point, it is your job to follow through so that your child can build trust in you and the new set limits.

Keep in mind

• Make sure your limits are fair
• Keep your child’s age and stage in consideration
• Learn more about setting fair consequences (see the handbook link below).

If you are tired of the daily battles and want a solution – BOOK your free discovery call – Let’s talk! Parents inside my 12-week program, The Parenting With Purpose Method (tiaslightham.com), completely shift their parenting and reach their goals of parenting free of anger, yelling, punishment and guilt! 

Want more DIY parenting tools? Instantly download all of my tools in my Parenting Solutions Handbook