5 things to know when navigating your child's explosive anger

From 2024 resident scholar Roxanne Francis, CEO of Francis Psychotherapy & Consulting Service

It can be so challenging to manage your child’s anger. It’s bad enough when it’s in your home, but it’s even more mortifying when you are in public—heaven forbid you’re in a big box store and you have to deal with self-righteous stares or you're at your in-laws' home and you have to hear “my kids were never like that..."

Sigh—what’s a mom to do? Especially if you have younger children who are picking up on this behaviour.  

If your child's screaming, thrashing around on the floor, throwing things or maybe even using colourful language that they've picked up, I have some things that you can try. 

As a psychotherapist and group-practice owner who has cut her teeth in children’s mental health and parenting, and as a mother of two spicy boys myself, I have learned a few things that might be helpful.

Manage your expectations

Consider your child’s age. Are you expecting 10-year-old behaviour from your four-year-old? They're not able to process their disappointment and frustration in the same way that you can. They're going to lose their cool from time to time. Little kids don’t know how to say they're scared, worried, embarrassed, disappointed and/or stressed. The emotions of a young child will come out in behaviour, and more often than not, that will be frustrated, angry and defiant behaviour. Sometimes, you have to give them space to blow off steam. They've not learned to be passive-aggressive like us (just kidding!).

Give them transition time and transition cues

I want you to consider this: If you were watching your favourite show and I walked into the room and turned it off, announcing that it was time to do a less pleasant activity, you would be pretty ticked off. Well, that’s the case for your three-year-old when you try to put the paints and glitter away and announce that it’s nap time. Now she’s screaming her head off, and there’s glitter everywhere, and you’re wondering whose idea it was to have kids in the first place.  

What you can do instead is let your toddler know that you’re going to make lunch, and when it’s ready, it will be time to start cleaning up. You can begin to hum the clean-up song ahead of time so she knows what’s coming. You can make sure that she’s finished with her little project and celebrate her masterpiece before we start putting things away. You might get a little less resistance.

Help them regulate

“Children should be able to regulate their emotions.”

According to whom? Regulation is something that comes with maturity. A maturity that your five-year-old doesn’t have. When your child begins to lose their cool, crying uncontrollably and refusing to settle down, it might help to find a quiet corner (if possible), sit down, pull them onto your lap, wrap your arms around them and breathe. Just breathe and speak soothingly. They don’t have the ability to calm themselves down, and when you become dysregulated in response to their own dysregulation, it goes nowhere fast!  But if you can stay close to them and stay very calm for a while, their rhythm will eventually come down to match your own, and then you can have a conversation. Remember that when their emotions are out of control, they can’t have a conversation with you. Now is not the time to ask, “Why would you do that?” or “Don’t you know not to hit your brother?”

Anger usually masks other emotions

If your child is feeling disappointed, excluded, embarrassed or anxious, it may show up as anger. It's very important to be observant of the situation to see what exactly is fueling the anger. Then, if you notice the reason, you can give them the proper words for communicating their feelings: “It sounds like you’re feeling disappointed, hon—let’s talk about what’s causing it.” This way, they'll know the labels for their feelings, and they will also know that the next time they are feeling this way, they can’t talk to you about it instead of “going off.”

Prep and prevent

Do what you can to cut the behaviour off before it even starts. It will require you to be a bit of a detective: Does your kid come home from school in an absolutely foul mood? Take a look at their lunch bag—is it completely empty or very full? Either way, it might mean that your kid is likely out of their mind with hunger. Have a granola bar and some water waiting for them in the car when you grab them at the kiss-n-ride, or some fruit and cheese when they come in off the bus.

If the boys were invited to a friend’s for a play date and your daughter is left behind, her behaviour might eventually spill over.  You might plan a day out with her, or she can have a friend over herself.

Extra nugget

Here’s an extra nugget, just because. Many parents tell me that their kids go from 0 to 100 in no time flat.  But they may not have realized that they have been getting cues of frustration all day. Kindergarten teachers tend to use the program called “zones of regulation” when they ask the kids what “zone” they are in. Green is great/happy; yellow is frustrated; red is angry; blue is sad, worried, etc. You can create a magnet board of your own and encourage your child to put their magnet on the zone that corresponds with their feelings. The trick is to catch your child when they move from green to yellow or blue.  If you can do that, then you can avoid the red zone in many cases.  

You might consider creating a little “calm down corner” in your home. It doesn’t have to be big. Beside the couch, in the closet, etc. You can deck it out with a cozy blankie, a stuffie that they might like, some special sparkly lights, a craft, a puzzle or some colouring. Initially, you can sit with them there for five minutes when they're not feeling great, and eventually, they'll start to make their way there on their own to help themselves.

Raising children is hard. None of us have a handbook. Give yourself some grace. You’re doing the best you can.

If you are looking for parenting support or mental health support for your child or yourself, help is available. We have a whole team of experts to support you at Francis Psychotherapy. Schedule a consult call at calendly.com/francispsychotherapy or check out our website at www.francispsychotherapy.com. 

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Roxanne is an award-winning CEO of Francis Psychotherapy & Consulting Services, runs a busy group therapy practice, is a keynote speaker, leadership coach and corporate consultant who addresses topics related to women’s issues, race & equity, mental health, parenting, and wellness at work. Roxanne is also frequently in the media, sharing her expertise.